Don’t allow yourself to get pulled down to their level

Dear Carolyn,

Do jerks know they are jerks? Or do they actually think they are like everyone else? We work with a guy who treats everyone like dirt. He is mean as an old porch dog and as quick to strike as a river snake. I believe that he knows how unpleasant he is to others and does it anyway. One of the guys disagrees and thinks he’s oblivious to his own unpleasant personality.

What do you think? We have a case of beer riding on your answer. Also, if you have time, how do you deal with jerks?

Jake

Dear Jake,

In my experience, unpleasant jerks do not believe they are jerks. They tell themselves that they are “direct” or “plain spoken” or “someone who tells it like it is.” I have always felt a sense of pity for angry self-righteous folks because they attack from fear of not measuring up. I also believe that your outer self reveals your inner self. Those jerks are not particularly happy with themselves and compensate by pointing out the flaws of those around them

The more important question is how to deal with jerks. If you are forced to work with him, you must detach your personal feelings from your interactions. Don’t allow him to live in your head rent-free. Be courteous, but don’t engage. Fires stop burning when the fuel is gone.

Sorry about the beer you have to buy!

I’m just say’n.

Dear Carolyn,

I was once quite the looker and was very popular with the boys. I married a wonderful man, and we had a long happy marriage until he recently passed away. Now, I’m in my late 60s and still driving a truck, depressed at the thought of living the rest of my life alone. However, I have no idea how to meet men. I’m not attractive anymore and feel like I don’t have anything to offer. I’m not asking for advice, but if you have any, I’ll take it.

Carla

Dear Carla,

I will try to help based on a few clues in your letter. One, you had a long, “happy” marriage. That’s an accomplishment that is rarer than you might think. So here you are, in your late 60s and about to re-enter the dating world. Because, Honey, that’s what you need to do. Forget about how you looked in your youth and take a look around the truckstop. Those 60 year-old guys fueling their tanks don’t look anything like the young studs of your youth either. Take a deep breath and jump in feet first. Look at Internet dating sites that attract an older crowd. Put the word out to your friends, family and church members that you are interested in meeting someone. Be confident. Smile. Enjoy life. The rest will fall in place.

I’m just say’n.

Dear Carolyn,

I’ve been seeing a cute trucker for about two months now. I’m head-over-heels in love with him and am dying to tell him how I feel. But something is holding me back. Do you think it is okay for the girl to use the “L” word before the guy does? I’m pretty sure he loves me too, but he has not said it yet. One small thing I ought to mention though. His Facebook status is still set to “single.” He’s not on Facebook much, so I don’t think that’s a big deal.

What do you think?

Sherry

Dear Sherry,

Well, I am a big believer in listening to that tiny voice in your head that whispers, “think about it.” If more people listened to that little voice, there would be a lot less work for advice columnists, lawyers and tattoo removal services. My advice is to slow down and take it easy. There’s no rush. Love will reveal itself in its own time. If this is the real thing, it’s worth waiting for. Oh, and Honey? Keep an eye on his Facebook status.

I’m just say’n.

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Stop worrying about the parents’ wishes and enjoy your zany, Vegas-style nuptials

Dear Carolyn,

I’ve been living with a guy for about eight years. We used to talk about getting married but never really did anything about actually tying the knot. Imagine my surprise when suddenly, out of the blue, my sweet, lovable boyfriend dropped to his knees and asked me to marry him!

We have decided to go to Vegas the next time he gets a load near there. I know it’s tacky, but I think if you do a Vegas wedding, you should do it all the way. I want an Elvis impersonator and the wedding chapel and a white dress and all of that. My problem is that our families are horrified and want us to have a church wedding in our hometown. My parents say they will “die” if we go through with our plans. His mother mostly just cries when we talk about it. I try to console them and comfort them but am worn out. Should I just give in and do what they want?

Sally

Dear Sally,

First, congratulations! It’s rare to hear from a happy bride. Usually, emails from brides are written in ALL CAPS. Now, let’s talk about your parents. They will not die. I mean, they will eventually die but not because you are having a Vegas wedding. Ignore everyone’s theatrics and go about the business of planning a happy, zany wedding that fits both of your personalities. You don’t owe anyone the wedding they think you should have. When you stop apologizing and cease wringing your hands over their reaction, they will eventually stop their nonsense. It’s hard to be dramatic when nobody is paying any attention. This advice also works well with regard to toddlers, teenagers and some dogs.

I’m just say’n.

Dear Carolyn,

This is in response to your advice to the woman who was abused as a child. I understand that your advice to forgive and move on is good advice. In fact, I’ve spent a lot of money and time getting that message from a professional. (No offense to you!) You admitted that it’s easier said than done, and that is true, too. But I’m writing because I want you to tell her, from someone who has been there, that it is the only way to survive. You have to forgive and let it go. I let my childhood torment me for most of my life and ruin every chance for happiness that came my way. Now that I am free of all the resentment, I am at peace.

Thank you for tackling this subject.

Kelly

Dear Kelly,

You are most welcome. It pains me to give advice I know is so hard to execute. But I believe that once you let go of the past and immerse yourself in the “now” you can navigate the future more gently.

I’m just say’n.

Dear Carolyn,

I have a two-part question: Do stupid people know they are stupid? And how can you tell if their stupid is fixable or not?

No pressure or anything, but my life depends on this answer.

Jake

Dear Jake,

In my experience, the truly stupid don’t know they are stupid. While everyone can screw something up from time to time, the stupids don’t recognize their limitations. In fact, they are blind to their lack of awareness. Most people will seek out answers, but the truly stupid think they have all the answers. You know you’ve run across unfixable stupid by how they don’t recognize smart.

I’m now very curious as to why your life depends on this? Do you work for BP?

I’m just say’n.

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Best fix for moping teen is tough love … and time

Dear Carolyn,

My daughter has terrible self-esteem. She’s miserable about her weight, hair, friends and lack of boyfriend. I’m at my wit’s end with this girl. She would rather complain about her situation than actually do anything about it. I sign her up for exercise classes, take her shopping for cute clothes and try my best to increase her self-image. But nothing is working. She’s 13 years old. I hate to think I have to deal with this for the next five years of my life. My husband is on the road all the time, so he’s no help.

Any suggestions?

Carla

Dear Carla,

She’s 13. She’s supposed to be a miserable excuse for a human being. My suggestion is a dose of tough love. Cook healthy food, invite her to go on walks with you and be available for her when she needs you. But stop being in charge of her self-esteem. I give you permission to be happy with yourself and let your daughter’s personality unfold on its own time. Meanwhile, assign chores and set up consequences when they are not done. One of the best ways to help her is to sign her up to work in a soup kitchen or volunteer at a nursing home, hospital or pet shelter. Get her out of her own head, and she’ll blossom.

I’m just say’n.

Dear Carolyn,

I met a trucker online a few years ago, and we really clicked. I’m a nurse, so our schedules never really synched up and we had a hard time meeting in person. Over time, our relationship changed to one of friendship. Now, he’s dating someone and often asks my opinion about her. He wants my advice on what to wear on dates and what to buy her for presents. He says he loves her.

I am happy to help because I really care about him. However, I have to admit that it hurts, too. I’m not over the whole “what might have been,” and it’s painful to hear about this other woman. Sometimes I wonder if I’d be better off with no contact than always dreading the sight of a new e-mail from him. Should I call this whole online friendship thing off?

Tessa

Dear Tessa,

Oh, darlin’, on the one hand, it sounds like he’s a good guy and doesn’t realize he’s hurting you. On the other hand, an “online only” friendship cannot compete with real-life ones. The last time I checked, a computer screen is not very huggable after a long day. I think you should tell him what you told me and gently suggest you move your friendship from wingman to the occasional casual email. Eventually, without food and water, it will dwindle to the category of “people you used to know well but now just think about from time to time.”

After you do that, start putting some of that energy into actual living, breathing humans you run into in your real life.

I’m just say’n.

Carolyn,

I’m engaged to marry a really great gal. This is my first marriage, and because I’ve been really picky, I’m no spring chicken. I turn 50 next week and had resigned myself that I’d be a bachelor for life. When “Kate” came along, she blew me away with her smile, kindness and beauty.

But there’s one dark cloud hanging over our pending marriage. She’s in her late 30s and says she doesn’t want to have any children. I can’t understand that and have decided that she will change her mind once we are married. What do you think?

George

Dear George,

Oh, I was reading your letter and feeling really good about love and marriage and weddings and happy people. And then, BAM! You ruin it with the one question advice givers hate to hear: “Can I change her?” Really. You want me to speculate on the possibility that this paragon of virtues you’ve searched for your whole life and who is honest with you about her lack of interest in becoming a mother will somehow see things your way and change her mind?

Here’s the answer: Maybe, but I doubt it.

Weigh your life with her/without children or without her and then resume the search for the perfect woman who also wants children. I can’t answer that for you. But I can tell you that it’s very unfair of you to marry her under false pretenses. She’s told you how she feels about kids. You need to tell her how you feel about kids.

I’m just say’n.

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Dear Carolyn,

I am described by most of my friends and family as a “good guy.” I go to church, volunteer in my community and am a loyal, faithful husband. I’m the first one to help a friend move or just listen to a family member’s problem. My kids look up to me and my company just asked me to be a trainer. Life is great. However, I have this terrible urge to just blow it all up. I think about what it would be like to just get in my truck and drive away from all my responsibilities. It’s not like I would ever do it, I just think about it.

Does this mean I’m crazy? Should I tell someone? These feelings scare me.

Phil

Dear Phil,

Everyone has a “shadow self,” a dark side or an evil twin perched on your shoulder. As long as Good Phil is in control of Bad Phil, things will be fine. I believe you should sit quietly with both sides and let the dark side know that you are aware of his presence but not at all intimidated by him. And then, you ought to add some activities to your life that push you out of your comfort zone. Challenge yourself to do something that scares you in a good way like training for a 5k or riding a mountain bike. Learn to cook something complicated or take a painting class. Read an adventure novel or book an eco trip. There’s no good reason to blow up your life when there are plenty of other ways to get a skip back in your step.

I’m just say’n

Carolyn

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Face to Face(book)

Online breakup may not be very sensitive, but it works

Dear Carolyn,

I know you are going to give me a hard time about this. I needed to break up with my girlfriend but didn’t have any home time scheduled. Every time I had an opportunity to get a load home, she was out of town. Finally, I just couldn’t take it anymore, and I broke up with her via Facebook. I changed my status to “single,” and before I could even explain, she heard about it.

I could have written a long email with all the reasons I wanted to end it or called her on the phone and listened to her cry. This way, she can hate me and all her friends can mock me and I can be the poster child for Men Behaving Badly.

The reason I’m writing is so that when she writes to you about it, you’ll already know what a jerk I am.

George

Dear George,

Wow. That’s harsh. I mean, not only do you break up with her on Facebook, you are trying to pre-empt her letter to me!

As much as it pains me, there is a lesson here. Sometimes, a surgical cut can be the kindest. You didn’t just burn your bridges, you detonated the infrastructure.

Certainly, there was a better, more civilized way that could have preserved her self-esteem and left you with an intact reputation. But the end result is that she’s done with you, and there’s no doubt that you mean to be done with her. So, really, if you are OK with it, I’m OK with it.

I’m just say’n.

Dear Carolyn,

I grew up with a bitter, abusive mother and a cold, uncaring father. I’ve spent years trying to overcome my childhood and somehow have managed to carve out an OK life for myself. My brother and sister were not as lucky. Both are hopelessly addicted to drugs and alcohol. I blame our parents for all their troubles. Sometimes I am so filled with rage at them I feel physically sick.

Recently they started trying to reach out to us. My mother asked me to consider visiting next time I am passing through their town. I have not replied because just the thought of it makes me want to run my truck into a brick wall.

What do you think I should say to them?

Jerry

Dear Jerry,

I don’t think you owe them an answer right now. Right now, I think you need to pick up the phone and make an appointment with a therapist or counselor. Ask your family doctor to recommend someone. You have to let go of the anger that is eating you up. You have to figure out how to forgive. Not because they deserve it but because you deserve it. If you can make the courageous choice to forgive them for what they did to you, then you can free yourself of the debilitating anger you carry around.

You also need to forgive yourself for overcoming what your siblings could not. You are carrying around some heavy baggage, and I would like to see you lighten your load.

I’m just say’n.

Dear Carolyn,

I accidentally found my girlfriend’s private online diary on her computer. Turns out she’s been writing about our relationship in great detail. I mean, everything, including our sex life. Most of it is good, but there are a few personal details she’s written that are embarrassing to me. I’m the object of her readers’ scorn, and they leave comments about my looks, intelligence and even my occupation as a truck driver!

I want to confront her, but I have not done it for two reasons. I want to see what she says about me, and I don’t want her to accuse me of snooping.

Do you think it’s fair of her to write about me to total strangers?

Kyle

Dear Kyle,

First of all, you were snooping. I mean, I get that. I would read it, too. But just so we are clear: Do I think it’s fair she’s writing about you? Yes, because women tell other women about their relationships. It’s what we do. We even tell strangers. You are a stranger, and you’re telling me about her. Right? So here’s what you do:

Nothing.

Seriously. Let it go. When she writes about you to her online readers she’s venting or complimenting or maybe even embellishing. If you need to know any of it, you eventually will.

I’m just say’n.

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Change Gears

Carolyn Magner is not a professional therapist, shrink or even a very nice person. Her advice is meant to entertain you, not solve your terrible, desperate problems. E-mail Carolyn at cmagner@rrpub.com.

Don’t settle for little Miss Wrong

Dear Carolyn,

I’m not one to write to a smart-mouthed chick like you, but I am obviously desperate. So here goes. I’ve been living with this gal for about five years, and I have to finally admit that things are not working out. She’s lazy, mean and has a drinking problem. I want kids, she doesn’t. I like dogs, she likes cats. I’m close to my family and like to go to church every now and then. She’d rather watch reality shows than go anywhere.

What should I do?

Stan

Dear Stan,

Make a new plan, Stan. (I’ve always wanted to say that!) Everyone has their limits. You lost me at lazy and mean. Life is too short to come home to lazy and mean. The only thing you should offer her is a little help packing.

I’m just say’n.

Dear Carolyn,

I’m sorry, but you really missed the boat with your advice to the girl who was wondering if her husband was cheating. I can’t believe you buy into all those so-called “signs.” Just because a guy turns off his computer when his wife walks in doesn’t mean he has something to hide. If he goes outside to talk, maybe he just wants a little privacy. You are so sure you are right. Really? Because everyone is different. It is possible for men to be innocent every now and then. You seem like a bitter person. Maybe you ought to consider getting some help.

Jason

Dear Jason,

People who think they know it all are very annoying to those of us who actually do. It’s been my experience that if someone writes to me asking if I think their significant other is cheating, they usually are.

I’m just say’n.

Visit Carolyn’s I’m Just Say’n blog for daily love and relationship advice: www.truckersnews.com/ask-carolyn

Dear Carolyn,

I work for a guy who is always rolling in late, leaves early and has a terrible work ethic. Not to mention that he’s not very good at what he actually does. Because I am a perfectionist, I cover up his mistakes and make excuses for him to his boss. Now I’m in the position of doing most of his work for little pay and no respect. How do I dig out of this hole? I’m fed up.

Jill

Dear Jill,

The technical term for your behavior is “enabling.” I saw that on a Lifetime show. So here’s what you do. You have to inform him in a calm, polite way that you are no longer covering for him. Tell him that you will not lie for him nor will you do his work. Explain that it’s not about money; it’s about your own self-respect. Then you have to stick to your guns. Save his emails and make copies of your work. Your last resort is to ask for a meeting with his boss where you outline the situation in a calm, professional way. Most likely, they’ve already noticed. Hopefully he’ll sink into the hole he dug himself. If not, it’s time to look for another job.

I’m just say’n.

Dear Carolyn,

I’m afraid this is going to be one of the most disgusting letters you’ve ever received. I hope not, but here goes. My boyfriend is a long-haul trucker who is a good guy. However, he has a phobia about going to the dentist. He’s terrified of going, and nothing I can say can drag him there. His teeth are in terrible condition, his gums are always bleeding and his breath reeks. I buy every kind of dental product out there, but I fear that his mouth is just rotten to the core. What do I do? I threaten to leave him, but I always come back. Please help. He reads your column and maybe he’ll listen to you.

Sally

Dear Sally,

Bleeding gums and bad breath can be a sign of other serious health conditions. If you can’t get him to a dentist, get him to his family doctor. Go with him to the appointment and talk to the doc about medication he can take to help him through his dental phobia. There are dentists that specialize in patients with serious phobias. This is important.

You must stick to your gums or give him the brush-off.

I’m just say’n.

This post currently has one response.

Dear Carolyn,

I’ve been driving a truck for 5 years and have never had an accident or a speeding ticket. The secret to my success is that I never wear pants when I drive. Ever! It gives me such a wonderful sense of freedom that I wanted to share my idea with your readers. Men and women, take off your pants! Driving pant-free is the way to go!

Hope you have a good day!

Jim

Dear Jim,

Oh, I love April 1! It’s my favorite day of the year! You have a good day!

I’m just say’n,

Carolyn

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The Ugly Truth

Carolyn Magner is not a professional therapist, shrink or even a very nice person. Her advice is meant to entertain you, not solve your terrible, desperate problems. E-mail Carolyn at cmagner@rrpub.com.

Dear Carolyn,

I am sick and tired of you people telling truck drivers to lose weight. It seems like every time I pick up a magazine or turn on the radio, someone is telling me I should eat better and exercise more. I’d like to point out that it’s easy for someone like you to tell me what to do, but you are not behind the wheel of a truck. You don’t know what it’s like to drag into the truckstop so dead tired that all you can manage is to buy a bag of chips and then go back to the bunk and crash. My wife nags me about my weight all the time. I’ve told her to worry about herself, but she keeps at it. Can all y’all just move on to something else?

Jason

Dear Jason,

I admit it. I am a nag. I tell people what they don’t want to hear. If I told you what you wanted to hear, I’d be a girlfriend. And I’m not your girlfriend. Your wife and I are less concerned about your delicate feelings and more concerned about your health. Suggesting you lose weight and take a walk around the truckstop is about trying to keep you from having a heart attack, stroke or worse. It’s not a campaign to annoy you or try to make you feel bad about yourself. So stop making excuses about what you can’t do and start doing what you can do. Eat less, walk more. That’s a good start. (Tell your wife I said hi!)

I’m just say’n.

Dear Carolyn,

Are you this sarcastic in real life? Just wondering.

Frank

Dear Frank,

I am. But I can take it as good as I give it so that balances things out.

I’m just say’n.

Dear Carolyn,

I would like to tell all your women readers out there to never call their man on the road and tell him you “need to talk.” Seriously. We hate that request more than any other. I’d rather hear “Get home and clean out the basement” or “Your dog is lost” than “We need to talk.” If a gal wants to talk, just talk. Don’t threaten me with the implied warning of “the conversation.” Especially while I’m hauling cattle. I don’t want to provide a barbecue for the town I’m blowing through.

Cowboy Jim

Dear Jim,

I get your point, and I happen to agree. But you lost me when you brought the lost dog into it. Nothing is as terrible as a lost dog.

Ladies? Do you hear him? Save the big speech for when he gets home. It’s dangerous out there.

And don’t let the dogs out.

I’m just say’n.

Visit Carolyn’s I’m Just Say’n blog for daily love and relationship advice: www.truckersnews.com/ask-carolyn

Dear Carolyn,

My boyfriend left me a year ago, and I can’t seem to get past it. We dated for two years, and I thought we were going to get married. Instead, he came back one day and said it was over, he was sorry, but he didn’t love me anymore. I moved out, and we have not spoken since.

My problem is that I can’t move on. I’m stuck in the endless cycle of missing him, being mad at him and wanting him back. I told him to never contact me again, and he has not. But now, I wonder if I should just send a friendly text to see how he’s doing? I’m paralyzed by this and lots of good guys have given up on me because of the funk I’m in.

Do you think I need closure? Please answer soon because I’m holding my phone in my hand, ready to send the text.

Anna

Dear Anna,

Do not send the text! I know you think you need closure. It’s something we’ve been told is healing. But I happen to disagree. If I thought there was any hope he would change his mind, I’d tell you so. However, since he has not contacted you in all this time, the odds are he’s moved on. He’s also most likely not giving your failed relationship the energy that you are. You need to put this behind you. I don’t care how you do it, but it needs to be done.

One day you will thank me for not letting you send that text.

I’m just say’n.

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Dear Carolyn,

My husband is the best husband in the world. He’s loyal, smart, hard working and makes me laugh. He saved up for years to buy his own truck and runs a good solid business. He also cooks, cleans and does his own ironing. I read some of the letters you get from readers and I have to count my blessings. So, you might wonder, why are you writing to me? Well, his birthday is coming up and I was wondering what I should get for him?

Sally

Dear Sally, Make me an offer!

Seriously. What a gem. It does this old heart good to read your letter. I hope it’s encouragement for those of you who have lost hope that they will find lasting love. An attitude of gratitude is the key to happiness.

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