Dear Carolyn,

My husband just called me from the road to say he’s feeling a little feverish and achy and has a wicked sore throat. He wants me to research Swine Flu. I’m petrified. Do you think he has it? What should I do? What should he do? He says he’s been eating bacon every morning for breakfast. Could that do it? I’m really scared.
Please help,
Allie

Dear Allie,
Let me get this straight. You fear your husband might have the dreaded Swine Flu and you write to me about it? Me? Really? Dear Carolyn? Okay. Not your best move but since I’m already typing, I’ll give it a shot. First, just to set the record straight: My relationship advice is based on information I find on the Internet mixed in with stuff I know because I know stuff. My medical expertise comes from a tendency toward hypochondria and OCD. So really, you should immediately click on this link: http://www.cdc.gov/h1n1flu/
It’s got everything you need to know minus all the hype, bad information and urban legends.
Here are a few things you can tell him until he can get medical attention:
See a doctor
It’s safe to eat pork.
Wash your hands.
Cover your mouth when you cough.
Then wash your hands again.
Don’t sneeze on anyone.
Don’t panic
Don’t seek medical advice from relationship advice writers.

I’m just say’n,
Carolyn